Paris-Travelers for Dummies (a fictional piece)

The rain slapped the sidewalk, with deafening noise that sounded like thousands of clicking tongues. A taxi flashed by, waving hello with a tidal wave of gutter water. The splash consumed my brand new scooter that sat parked on the side of the road, turning the shiny red to a sickly brown. It was brand, spanking new. I stood outside of the pastry shop with steam beginning to swirl around my head, twisting with the breath that fumed out my mouth. This was typical of my first month in France. I haphazardly jumped on a plane, leaving behind monotonous employment and a blank apartment room. Some may call it a mid-life crisis, and I'd probably agree. But you would sympathize with my reasoning. My entire life, the one thing that repeatedly eluded my grasp was a relationship. With a female. I was horrible with words. "So.... um.... er....." -- such was the extent of my vocabulary around women. I found high school most humiliating. Every school dance, I made the feeble trip over to the unfortunate drama queen's locker. "So.... er.... you and me.... the dance.... ya?" I grew accustomed to fragmented hearing in my right ear due to the locker slamming. Rejection has irritated me worse than a sunburn on my back when I lay down to sleep. And it never goes away. So I moved to France, the love capital of the world. I even bought a scooter to fit amongst the egocentric crowds. "Scooters boost your ego," says Paris-Travelers for Dummies. But that book doesn't say a word about a muddy scooter that won't start. It doesn't say how to fight depression while standing alone in a rain storm, wondering about luck, fate, karma, and whatever else has caused my life to stink like gutter water.

How to save 12 bucks

MIKE: "Man, I really need a haircut."
BEN: "Hey Mom left me with all the haircuttin stuff."
MIKE: "Really? Do you think you could give me a haircut?"
BEN: "You sure you want me to do it?"
MIKE: "Ya it shouldn't be too hard. It's just a buzz cut, but I have it just a little longer on the top."
-Silence follows, and Ben looks worried-
MIKE: "Come on, bro, it should be a synch."
BEN: "Ya you're probably right, I'll do it. But don't get too mad at me if something goes wrong."
-Mike smiles-
MIKE: Don't worry, nothin should go wrong.
-Switch scenes to apartment bathroom. Ben is holding hair-trimmer, standing over Mike, who sits in a chair in front of the bathroom mirror. Ben looks nervous-
BEN: "Ok, I'm going to start."
MIKE: "Sounds like a plan."
-Ben continues to look at Mike's head of hair without using the hair-trimmer. The hair-trimmer is now starting to shake in Ben's hand, and his nervous look is now amplified-
BEN: "I'm going to start on the bottom, alright?"
MIKE: "Ya that's good. But the trimmer's gotta actually touch my hair for it to cut. You know that right?"
-Ben gulps and nods, then touches the very tips of the hair and jumps back afraid-
MIKE: "Maybe I should just have Supercuts do the job this time."
BEN: "No, no, no, you don't have to spend 12 bucks on a buzz cut. I can do this."
-Ben continues to mutter, "I can do this," under his breath as he proceeds to cut the hair. Ben quickly gives the haircut, and Mike looks stunned as he views his hair-
MIKE: Wow, it actually looks really good. Thanks, bro."
-Ben makes a smug grin-
BEN: "Ya know, I think I'll just do one last trimming job before I'm done."
MIKE: "Wow, I should be payin for this."
BEN: "(proud chuckle) Oh, it's really no big deal. I always felt I'd make it big as a hair-stylist. I just never-
-Silence-
MIKE: "What's wrong?"
-Silence as Ben gulps and turns white-
BEN: "(after silence) I don't want you to get angry, but the hair on the back of your head isn't exactly... um, how should I phrase this... er, the back of your head isn't... completely.... symmetrical... anymore."
MIKE: "What is that supposed to mean?"
-Ben lip begins to quiver-
BEN: "It means that I took out a huge chunk of hair on the left side of your head!"
-Ben begins to cry. Mike gives surprised look as he examines the missing patch of hair on the back left of his head. The Mike smiles-
MIKE: "It kinda looks like a gotta scar. It's actually kind of cool."
BEN: "(through sniffles) Really?"
MIKE: "Ya, don't worry about it. I'll just tell everyone I got in a huge fight."
BEN: "(laughs through tears) That's pretty cool, I guess."
-Mike stands up and brushes off the hair that sticks to his shirt. Then him and Ben leave set as they discuss what the made-up story should be -- how big the fight was and how the scar on the back of Mike's head was made. Mike closes the door. The door opens again, Mike's head appears to examine the missing patch of hair one last time. Mike takes a deep breath and smiles, then closes the door-